Baseball's Golden Years - the 80's

I doubt many of you collected baseball cards. I didn’t really, either. My brother had a pretty decent collection, but he traded it to Mark Fish for a 3 ring binder. Yes, a three ring binder! That’s as lopsided a trade as Healthcliff Slocumb for Jason Varitek and Derek Lowe.

But anyway, cards were fun. They are much more fun now than they were then. All of these were plagiarized from joesportsfan.com. I wish I had thought of them myself. But at any rate, I share them with you.

When the ladies asked – and oh, did they ask – Bryden told them that the “TR” is his name simply stood for “Totally Ravishing”.


10 seconds before this photo was shot, Willie McGee took a sip of what he thought was Pepsi. It was actually a cup of Jack Clark’s tobacco spit.


Although Dave LaPoint’s 1985 drug test proved negative for all illegally-banned MLB sustances, it did show an unusually high amount of estrogen.


In his rookie season on the ‘95 Yankees, Mariano Rivera recorded 5 saves. That same year, Rivera also recorded 23 pairs of ripped tighty-whities as the prime target of locker room wedgie-wars.

Inspired by the movie Can’t Buy Me Love, Rod Nichols agreed to pay half of his 1988 salary to two unnamed teammates who promised that they could make him “cool”.


Mike Mason’s closest family members did not find it entertaining when he got liquored up at family Christmas parties and instructed small children to “come see what’s in his glove”.


As the four fans in Section 312 found out the day this picture was taken, you do not want to heckle Al Cowens during a photo shoot.


Absolutely nothing could mesmerize Ron Robinson like balloon animals.


Though he couldn’t explain why, Anaheim pitcher Greg Minton was completely freaked out by the movie “Angels in the Outfield.”


For the 1988 Angels media guide, Sherman Corbett insisted that he be recognized as a two sports star in college due to his spot on the varsity baseball team and the Texas A&M Mathletes.


In 1982 Carmen Castillo batted a career low .208. It was then that teammates informed him that his hitting was likely to improve if he took the weighted donut off for his actual at-bats. When this picture was taken, Ken Phelps was thinking about clowns. In 1990, Greg Gross was placed on the 15 day DL after the extreme tightness in his baseball pants resulted in his left leg going without blood for over 4 hours.

The head of security at Wrigley Field was reprimanded when it became evident that the old lady he escorted off the field before the game turned out to be Cubs pitcher Steve Trout.

On July 17 1985, Fred Breining was banned from the MLB after FBI officials raided his locker and found satanic equipment and a 20,000 word manifesto entitled “The Breining Cult”.

Okay that’s enough. Thanks to JoeSportsFan.com for the cheap laughs.

Overheard

Del Ray is a quiet multicultural community in Alexandria, VA. It’s a little bit of a time warp; there are families walking dogs and getting custard and doing various pleasantville things that people did in small towns 30 years ago. Compared to the rest of metro D.C., Del Ray a bit of an anomaly.

So, Mrs. Bones and I were bolting down a quick bite at a Del Ray Tex-Mex when I shut up just long enough to hear the following phrase uttered by one of the two women seated at an adjacent table:

“You know, it would be easier to have a close, personal relationship with Jesus if I didn’t have such bad gas.”

If I had quit flapping my gums 30 seconds before this little morsel of eavesdropping victuals came along, I’d have some context. But noooo, I had to be pontificating on whatever esoteric bit of humanity I was blabbing about when this little auditory gem came rolling of a 30 year old woman’s tongue like a gold nugget falling out of the sky.

So what the heck were they talking about? Does farting in church cramp her religious style? Maybe her denomination forbids farts the way some Baptists forbid dancing. I look to you, brilliant readers, to explain it to me. Cuz I don’t have a clue.

Tatoos are forever.

“It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip” –Napoleon Dynamite

There are many fitting ways to memorialize a lost loved one. The most common, obviously, is the stone marker that sits above the hallowed ground where we commit the body of our departed friends and families.

Through the years there have been many fitting memorials and tributes. Eric Clapton wrote Tears in Heaven in to memorialize his four year old son, who tragically died by falling from an open window.

Each year, the City of New York shines parallel blue lights skyward, ghostly representing the twin towers in a tribute to the thousands who died on September 11^th.

Horatio Spafford penned the famous hymn It Is Well With my Soul after his entire family died in a maritime accident.

A film producer and current D.C. area social activist produced the feature film Gorillas in the Mist as a tribute to Dian Fosse, who was murdered by gorilla poachers.

Don McLean wrote American Pie as a tribute to Buddy Holly.

Diego Rivera painted Girl With Sunflowers as a tribute to Vincent Van Gogh.

These are all fine examples of art memorializing the death of somebody who impacted the artist in a way mere words could not describe.

But none could compare to this guy.

List of things not to do:

1. Don’t ride your motorcycle on the grass.
2. Don’t park your motorcycle on the grass.
3. Don’t park your motorcycle on grass that happens to be a national park
4. Don’t drink from an open container of Diet Pipsi in a national park.
5. Don’t drink from an open container of Diet Pipsi while the cop is explaining to you why you can’t park your motorcycle on the grass in a national park.
6. Don’t interrupt the police officer to tell her you have to go take your at-bat in softball and that you will move your motorcycle after the fact.
7. Don’t park a bike with no current inspection in a national park.
8. Don’t park a bike with no proof of registration in a national park.
9. Don’t park a bike with no proof of insurance in a national park.
10. Don’t laugh at the obese police officer while she is threatening to impound your un-inspected motorcycle that is parked on the grass in a national park.

List of things to do:

1. Thank your lucky stars that you were able to talk your way out of it without so much as a written warning.

The Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
But clear bottles have nothing to hide.

So order a beer and choose to consume it
What’s on special? wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the drinkers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished over a morning beer?

Sam Adams thought it, and barflies believed it,
And look what it's done right here.
What's so amazing that keeps us a chugging
And what do we think we might see?

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the drinkers, and me.

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I've got an unread autographed copy of Buisness at the Speed of Light by Bill Gates for the funniest comic posted on your blog.